Nessie905

Hey guys, I'm so sorry I've kinda been inactive on this account. I've been busy with my recovery and I also haven't had much inspiration. I don't know what you guys want to see from me. Let me know if you have any ideas. Lately I've started going to a thing called Arting Around - where you can literally do anything you want related to art... So I've started getting into painting again, somewhat. Like I said, I haven't had much inspiration on what to paint. I would love to keep doing mental health related things and need some ideas... Also totally into photos too.

-Nessie

Hello, I'm sorry I've been MIA for a while. I do try to check here as often as I can. But bit of an update - life has been pretty confusing for me lately and part of that is because in March I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (Some may know this already) and it was a huge relief for me - but also a bit overwhelming in the fact that now I had to learn more about it and learn how to live with it on a daily basis. Which is quite hard. Some days are fine, and some days aren't. Some days I have many mood swings and some days I don't feel anything at all. It's very black & white for me.

Because of my mental health I've had to stop working at my only and first job - which was stressing me out to the point of going crazy. Either I'd come home wanting to self harm so badly, or hurt myself in any way, or I would have so much anxiety about working the night before that I wouldn't be able to rest properly. I'd be so anxious sometimes that I would call in sick because I just couldn't handle it. So after my break in May(trip to NYC- which was much needed) I didn't get called in and I didn't care because I decided my mental health is more important than my work. I'd rather take care of myself first than stress about going to work and risk a possible relapse. That's how I see it anyway. I'm too afraid to actually quit because authority figures intimidate me to no end. So I just ignore their phone calls and don't associate with them.

So even since then I've been struggling with my emotions and intrusive thoughts and dealing with them. People will ask me about my job and I hate it so much because all I want to do is freak out and tell them that my health is more important. But I stay calm and tell them that I haven't been working and I don't know what I'm doing with my life. In October I'll be turning 21 and I don't know how I feel about that. I like some parts about it but I also constantly feel like I'm just pretending to be an adult because I cannot handle the real thing. Oh well.

In other news, I have been more active on my photography account, and recently got to 700 watchers, which is exciting for me!
I started going to a DBT group for my disorder this past month, and I am really hoping that it will help me and that I'll learn some effective coping skills. (DBT stands for Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) So far it's alright, but we're learning mindfulness and for me it's very hard to focus. But I'm doing alright, and I'm still fighting. God's got this.

Alrighty, I realize it has been literally forever since I wrote an update or anything on here! So here it is. I've been quite busy lately. Deviantart has sort of fell off the spectrum for me this last while. I'm sorry about that, I will try to be more active on here as much as I can. Here are some of the things that have kept me busy and/or I am dealing with right now.

1. I have a job now. Yes. I have a job! I got the job back in August and I'm working for a contractor called the PIC group. It's sort of like a temp agency, so I am working at one of the 2 factories in my city.  What I am doing is inspecting the parts for quality. It's not really my cup of tea, but hey, it's a job.

2. I am still leading my Young Adults Group every Saturday, and that's going quite well.

3. I am getting really anxious about my upcoming 2 years clean mark (Coming up on November 5th) I don't know why, maybe because it's scary, or maybe because I'm having some doubts about making it so far. I really don't know, and I haven't really told anyone about this because everyone is so proud and rooting for me and I'm afraid that knowing this would just make them worry about me, and I don't want that. I just keep thinking about self harm and then I think of how far I have come, and that I can't possibly relapse. But I've also thought about the fact that people say relapse is inevitable. So does that include me? One of my biggest fears is relapse - especially after making it so long. There are these random parts of me that miss self injury. But there are other parts of me that never want to do it again.
I keep thinking about how many people I have helped and inspired, and that's so amazing. That is one of the things keeping me going. The other thing is God and His strength, because I never would have stopped without Him. So I guess this whole situation revolves around the fact that recovery is just hard. It's totally worth it, but it's hard.

Yeah, that's pretty much it. I also have a blog now, if you'd like to follow it.
teaandjesus.wordpress.com/

I don't know how many of you have noticed that the things in this world you keep searching for never seem to satisfy. Many of you seem lost and just keep looking for something- anything to fill that void in your life... Lust, other people, money, alcohol, drugs, distractions... But do any of you know how to find that thing you're searching for?
Surely you've noticed these things don't satisfy. That's because you're searching for something this world can't offer. Believe it or not, the one thing you're looking for is closer than you may think.
God is right by your side, continuously pursuing you, and calling your name! Yes, you. He knows you, and He wants you to know Him. He is the only thing that can truly satisfy you in this life. He is everywhere; you just need to look around you. Look beyond the bad and evil things of this world, and you might just see the beauty of God's own creation. If only all of you knew how much you are dearly loved. All the mirrors in this world still can't capture the true beauty God has created in you. I could say more, but I am leaving it up to you. I'm not forcing anything on you. I'm just giving you some inspiration to think about.